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So, why is it when I’m handed a wedding invitation am I not filled with joy and excitement for the happy couple? I should be happy, right? Important people, people I love are getting married. It will be the happiest day of their lives and I have been carefully selected to witness this event. So, why don’t I want to go? I’ve had a think and whittled it down to a few important points…
1. Spending a whole month’s wages on your hen do. Great idea! Las Vegas for 3 weeks followed by several meals out in town and a cheeky weekend to Marbs is going to be amazing, but then everyone wakes up and realises we haven’t won the lottery. You’re more than welcome to organise all these events, just don’t expect me to attend, unless you’re paying for me of course! Be reasonable with your expectations; plan something that everyone can afford. Ask yourself what’s more important to you, what you did or who was there?
2. love to buy my own bridesmaid dress that you’ve picked. Come on, you can’t have your cake and eat it! If you want to have me as a bridesmaid you should buy the dress, to be honest think of it as payment to me for giving up many of my Saturdays to attend fittings. I don’t see why YOUR Wedding day should become a major expense for me. You will be choosing the colour and style of the dress so why should I pay for something that potentially won’t even be to my taste? If you want me to buy my own dress, let me choose it.
3. Standing around for hours in these shoes is totally how I wanted to spend my Saturday. No one’s denying it’s your special day, but please spare a minute for us poor sods who arrived at your ceremony at 11am but won’t be seated for the Wedding breakfast until 4pm! I will be bored, I will be moaning about it to anyone that will listen and I will be so hungry I may well get to the stage of wanting to chew off my own arm. You don’t need hours and hours between the ceremony and the meal, if in doubt on timings try to speak to the photographer and see what a realistic time is to get all your important shoots done, usually around an hour.
4. Yum dry tasteless chicken. Just because it’s a wedding doesn’t mean you have to turn into a food snob and order a quails egg with three sticks of celery. Let’s mix it up! How about a curry or lasagne or a Nando’s takeaway? I knew a groom who ordered a Domino’s pizza for his Wedding breakfast meal, what a genius! If it’s what you love then do it. Speak to your venue see what they can do, if you don’t ask don’t get. If you have to have their basic menu at least arrange a taster session and don’t be afraid to change something and tell the truth, you’re paying for it after all.
5. No really I enjoy a long in-depth speech riddled with bad jokes. Admittedly not everyone is a great public speaker, but no one wants to sit through a long, unfunny and awkward speech. Sadly the men traditionally make the speeches, which worrying could have been quickly scribbled down in the toilet on the actual Wedding day! Oh dear. To avoid people’s patience running thin and falling asleep make sure speeches are prepared in advance, written down and rehearsed in front of you. Take out anything that will make your Nan blush, or leave it in for shits and giggles.
6. Vodka and coke £8.40, oh that’s reasonable. If you want to ensure I have a good time and hit the dance floor, you best be plying me with as much free booze as possible. Not just a bottle of wine at the table to share with 9 other people. While it’s understandable this won’t be a cheap pastime you can’t put a price on the comedy gold entertainment I’m going to provide you with when I’m pissed on the dance floor attempting to break-dance, I mean that alone is worth purchasing me my own bottle of Vodka. On a serious note speak to the venue see what the bar prices are like or maybe you could come to a corkage arrangement, did someone say Calais booze run?
7. Oh excellent you hired that heavy metal band after all. Of course you’re going to want to listen to your favourite type of music on your Wedding day but, if you have, let’s say an ‘interesting’ musical taste you might want to tone it down a bit if you want people to hit the dance floor. Nothing worse than your guests standing around the edge of the dance floor with a ‘what the fuck is this song’ look on their face. Your Wedding will likely have a diverse age range so it’s important to cater a little bit for everyone, speak to your family and friends and get a list of ‘must play songs’. Defiantly make sure your musical tastes are included but maybe just a 30 minute set.